That lazy git Todger, if he isn’t sleeping, he’s, well he’s... sleeping. We had a meeting at the Flabby Road studios to discuss the Comfortably Dumb tour sponsorship deal. We get some free studio time; they get an inflatable banner with the word “Flabby” on it.Seems fair. Anyway, we left the negotiating to Todger, him being the mathematician of the outfit. He only failed his math’s O Level, the rest of us got “Unclassified.” Right in the middle of his pitch, he nods off. He only woke up when his head hit the table. When he sat up with the remains of a jam doughnut glued to his hooter, we knew the deal was off! We took Todger home to his Mum’s. She tells us he’s got something called Narcolepsy. He can nod off at any moment. Just then, we hear a crash coming from the driveway: Todger has kipped off while parking the van and taken out the postman on his bike and hit the garage door. “I told him to lookout,” said the postman from under the van. “He’s got Narcolepsy,” said Togger’s Mum. “Yeah, and he’s deaf,” said Dick, “It’s like in that film: Double indignity.” Just then Todger comes round and stagers out from behind the wheel. He starts shouting at the postman and then Rick starts doing all this Bruce Lee stuff. The postman thinks he’s in for a kicking. “Don’t mind him,” says Dan, “It’s just the epilepsy.” “Bloody Hell, I say, “It’s like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” “No. It’s not,” says Todger’s Mum. “It’s worse. Much worse. I’ve seen them at a gig when only Dick was left pounding on his organ.” Dick starts to say something crude but I throw a fist full of letters at him. “That’s illegal,” shouts the postman who threatens to call the police before he notices Dan, dressed in his Roy Rogers outfit, going for his six-shooter. Todger starts whistling the theme tune from Fist Full of Dollars. “Go ahead, make my day,” says Dan, metamorphosing his characters and confusing the hell out of the postman. The postman’s eyebrows furrow. The sound of gunfire fills the air. Everyone dives for cover. The smoke clears to the sight of the postman running down the street while Dick, Todger, Rick and Dan are being attacked by Todger’s Mum with a broom. A few days in and I am wondering if it’s time to leave the band before I end with a Jack Nicholson-style lobotomy. Whatever next?
Thursday 2 July 2009
I'm telling your Mum
That lazy git Todger, if he isn’t sleeping, he’s, well he’s... sleeping. We had a meeting at the Flabby Road studios to discuss the Comfortably Dumb tour sponsorship deal. We get some free studio time; they get an inflatable banner with the word “Flabby” on it.Seems fair. Anyway, we left the negotiating to Todger, him being the mathematician of the outfit. He only failed his math’s O Level, the rest of us got “Unclassified.” Right in the middle of his pitch, he nods off. He only woke up when his head hit the table. When he sat up with the remains of a jam doughnut glued to his hooter, we knew the deal was off! We took Todger home to his Mum’s. She tells us he’s got something called Narcolepsy. He can nod off at any moment. Just then, we hear a crash coming from the driveway: Todger has kipped off while parking the van and taken out the postman on his bike and hit the garage door. “I told him to lookout,” said the postman from under the van. “He’s got Narcolepsy,” said Togger’s Mum. “Yeah, and he’s deaf,” said Dick, “It’s like in that film: Double indignity.” Just then Todger comes round and stagers out from behind the wheel. He starts shouting at the postman and then Rick starts doing all this Bruce Lee stuff. The postman thinks he’s in for a kicking. “Don’t mind him,” says Dan, “It’s just the epilepsy.” “Bloody Hell, I say, “It’s like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” “No. It’s not,” says Todger’s Mum. “It’s worse. Much worse. I’ve seen them at a gig when only Dick was left pounding on his organ.” Dick starts to say something crude but I throw a fist full of letters at him. “That’s illegal,” shouts the postman who threatens to call the police before he notices Dan, dressed in his Roy Rogers outfit, going for his six-shooter. Todger starts whistling the theme tune from Fist Full of Dollars. “Go ahead, make my day,” says Dan, metamorphosing his characters and confusing the hell out of the postman. The postman’s eyebrows furrow. The sound of gunfire fills the air. Everyone dives for cover. The smoke clears to the sight of the postman running down the street while Dick, Todger, Rick and Dan are being attacked by Todger’s Mum with a broom. A few days in and I am wondering if it’s time to leave the band before I end with a Jack Nicholson-style lobotomy. Whatever next?
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